your memory, lives in me.

June 2008.

3rd.
My heart beats fast and hard in the waiting room down the hall. The sound of fear filled the air. I stared at the painting on the ceiling. Butterflies, soaring through the sky. Floating on each breath of wind amongst the clouds. I wish you were free like them. "Today wasn't a good day..." But I was told - he loves me like a daughter; his daughter.


4th.
I kept hearing the word "pain". My heart ached & prayed. I wanted to see his face. Hold his hand. Pray for healing and strength with him. Tell him not to give up. Then I was called into his room. Silence. No one spoke a word. The sound of weeping broke the air. I understood this word pain now. There it was again, the still quiet and cold. The painting on the ceiling, sailboats. Gliding along the waves of the shore, being tossed and following the footsteps of the wind. I want you to dance with me. There's so much I don't know about you. There's spo much left to teach us. He opened his eyes and was told I was there. "I'm not dressed for the occasion" he said, and I had to leave. It finally crashed my heart - fast ! And those were the last words I heard from his lips.

5th.
This heart pounded with worry all day, and I tried to go through it as normal as possible. Everyone asked me questions I couldn't bear to answer. Just as my mind drifted off of it, a message rang my phone: "my father passed at 4:44pm" and I ran away, broke down, and I was never the same. I was confused and angry. This doesn't happen to good people. You don't lose your parents this young, this isn't real, it just isn't...

The next days were especially hard. He was gone, his picture remains in our minds and hearts. His presence still living on in our smiles and stories. He's still with us. Watching over us as we weep and mourn. As we rejoice and laugh. He's protecting us through his loss. He's with God now I told myself. He's safe and redeemed :)

Almost one year has passed, and it's been so difficult to accept. Through the strength and restoration of Our Father, we find hope and love.
A family is protected. A father is coping. A mother has company. Brothers and sisters find each other, and reminisce. A widow is never alone. Sons become more like him everyday. Family and friends are blessed to have known him.
What a beautiful man.

Rest in Peace John.
We miss you more with every waking sun & passing day <3